I have a very close friend who decided at the beginning of the year that her lifestyle choices were probably killing her. I have been so very proud of her for making some real, tangible, positive changes in her life the last several weeks. She’s eating right, she’s losing weight, she’s exercising. She has cut back on her drinking. She looks great and she feels great. Everything is fabulous except for one small little detail. Her husband, the love of her life, isn’t. He’s over indulging on all accounts. It’s making her crazy.

Recently he had a “coughing fit” so bad that it caused him to lose consciousness – for just a moment – but passed out cold, just the same. She thought he was dead. He doesn’t even remember it. As we sat on a bench, and she cried, she confessed that although he said he planned to live to 105 she knew he was going to die. Now granted, it was a horrible event. It shook her up so bad that four days later she was still crying about it. However, my question to her was, who’s story is it anyway?

Theresa thought she was “killing herself with her eating and drinking”. Andy thinks he is going to live to be 105. Law of Attraction is a tricky science when it comes crashing into our hard held beliefs. Theresa believes, and for good reason, I might ad, that over-eating, over-drinking, and smoking will lead to an early grave. There is a lot of evidence that supports those beliefs. Heck – science and medicine support those beliefs. One might easily argue they are flat out true. However, we’ve all seen exceptions to those rules. Two words – George Burns. So, in my mind, there is no question Theresa had to make some lifestyle changes, and quick. Her beliefs about her health are very strong and very well founded.

Andy on the other hand isn’t kidding or living in denial when he says he plans to live to 105. He does. I’ve heard him say it and I believe him. That is his reality. So the question is who’s reality was happening when he had this “episode”? He doesn’t even remember it. Theresa is still in a state a trauma…

When we are dealing with the people we love most it is really easy to let our deepest fears descend upon them. It is very easy to expect them to take on our stories, as if they were their own. When our stories are happy, uplifting, and empowering that’s a good thing. When they are fear driven and panic based, it’s NOT a good thing. Law of Attraction does not care about the latest science, if you don’t. It doesn’t care about what’s being reported on the news, if you don’t. The greatest gift we can give to those we love the most is to see them perfect, thriving, and whole. When we hold them in that light, it is easy for them to get there and stay there. When we look at them and feel fear and worry, you aren’t doing them any favors.

So, we will see how this story plays out. I just hope Theresa can get her story in alignment with the love of her life celebrating his 100th birthday by drinking a beer and smoking a big fat cigar with this great grandchildren. I can see it!

When I get a new client, the first thing I have them do is write a description of their perfect, dream relationship in as much detail as possible. The first thing that strikes me is how hard this actually is for most people. Just like with many things in our lives, we often know what we don’t want, in many cases because we are living it. However, we rarely take the time to identify what we do want. After a great deal of thought I usually get a beautifully written, eloquent description of the dream relationship. They usually use words like passion, trust, love, excitement, connection… The kinds of things we all want.

After assuring them that they can have that dream relationship, for sure, no doubt, I ask the question that usually sucks all the air out of the room. “Do you want that relationship more than you want anything, especially more than you want the man you’re with.” At this point I lose about half of all the women who call me for help and that’s OK. Those women are looking for a fix, not only for their broken relationship, but also a fix for their man. They want to be happy, and they want it to be with him – period. I can’t help those women. Truth of the matter is, no one can. When we are so determined we know what’s best for us, God, or the Divine, or the Universe, whatever you prefer to call it, can’t step in and do anything for us. I’ve learned the Divine plan is always better than mine! If we are willing to hold tightly to our vision, not anyone person, the results can be nothing short of miraculous.

Now, sometimes those miracles come in the form of a relationship reborn when that old partner becomes the perfect mate. Sometimes when you hold your vision he will just “miraculously” step up to the plate. I’ve seen that happen over and over. Sometimes however, there are much better things in store for you and it comes in the package of an amazing new partner. This was the case for me. It sort of feels like a kick in face in the beginning, but let me tell you. I’ve seen the promised land and it was well worth the kick in the face!!!

So, I challenge you. Write the description of your dream relationship and when you’ve perfected it, ask yourself the question. Do you want that life more than anything, even more then you want “you know who”?

Lisa Hayes is the author of HOW TO ESCAPE FROM RELATIONSHIP HELL. She is a mother of two, yoga instructor, hypnotherapist, and internet project manager. Lisa likes long walks on the beach and naps. You can contact her at http://www.escapefromrelationshiphell.com.

Shelly felt sick. As she sat at the table and watched all the people eating, talking, and having a good time, all she could think about was if anyone noticed how horrible and runny the stuffing was. Shelly’s mother in law had fallen off of a step-stool two weeks earlier and broken her wrist. This year, for the first time, Easter dinner, which was also celebrated as her father in laws birthday, was being done at Shelly’s house. At first it seemed like a great idea. When Allen, her husband, had suggested it as a great way to help his mother out, Shelly embraced the thought. However, as the day grew closer it became more and more overwhelming.

Shelly was frustrated that Allen hadn’t recognized how hard she’d worked to prepare in advance and had been short with him for days. She found herself trying to fit into her schedule a trip to the hair stylist so she would look good when the family from out of town arrived. She stayed up past midnight three nights in a row frantically cleaning and getting the two guest rooms in perfect order. Now that the event was upon her and everyone was having a wonderful time, and by all measures, Shelly was miserable. The stuffing was runny. Not to mention, Shelly was cranky and she had snapped at Allen in front of his mother earlier. It was humiliating. Shelly was positive it would live on in family history forever. Shelly didn’t think his mother had ever really liked her that much anyway. What a mess she had made of things…

The person we judge the most and judge most harshly is always ourselves. As women we are trained – it is ingrained in us to be critical of ourselves and as we learn to do it to ourselves first we also learn to direct it outward on the world around us. Nothing, and I mean nothing drains our personal energy the way judging ourselves does. However, this is the one habit of self sabotage that is so subtle, so soft, it’s like a whisper, but it is the mother of all of our failures. Judging self is the most fundamental crime we commit against humanity for if we cannot love ourselves we surely will never truly love another. That is a bold statement. However, it’s true and although we know in our hearts it’s true, we go on judging ourselves quite harshly everyday anyway.

Again, embracing the spirit of Aloha, to love is to be happy with and that applies to our relationship with self more then any other. If we can find a way as women to escape judging ourselves and just settle into being happy with who we are, we free up so much personal space inside our heads that we can finally begin to thrive. Wouldn’t it be great to thrive? I mean seriously. I know this sounds a little like mumbo, but really – what if you could just commit to loving yourself and you could then have enough extra personal energy to work on that novel you’ve wanted to write or train for a marathon? You may never know what you could achieve until you commit to loving yourself with abandon just to see what’s possible.

So, fast forward one full year. It’s Easter. Shelly’s mother in law has just decided that since the family descends on her home for all the other holidays, she doesn’t want to do Easter anymore. They enjoyed it so much last year, Allen’s family more or less invites themselves back to Shelly’s place. This year Shelly spends a few bucks, hires someone to come in for an afternoon to clean the house while she goes to the spa the before the family comes. For dinner instead of the regular Easter fare Shelly serves an amazing Italian dinner that her family would traditionally make for special occasions. Everybody raves about it. There is no stuffing in sight.

There is a photo that hangs in Shelly’s kitchen today of Allen’s dad’s 64th birthday cake all ablaze with sixty-four candles and all the family around it in her kitchen with Dad and Shelly blowing out the candles together. It’s a classic. I can’t help but smile every time I see it. She’s beaming.

Shelly figured out Aloha. Make it your year.

Lisa Hayes is a mind, body, soul, practitioner who views the person as a whole – With meditation for the mind Yoga for the body and as an ordained minister, for the soul, Lisa works with women to help them achieve peace and bliss in the chaos of their every day lives.

Lisa is also a partner in an independent technology firm and is a single mother of a teenage boy, so she understands chaos. Chaos is a part of everyday life. It is a part of the contrast of life that makes the zen seem so much more precious.

Lisa began the pursuit of the healing arts more than fifteen years ago when she completed her degree in natural health and nutrition. She continued that path as a yoga and meditation instructor before becoming a life coach.

Lisa believes that zen is our basic nature. All we have to do is release it. She has dedicated herself to assisting women in finding whatever tools work best for them individually to become their most blissful and beautiful selves.

To contact Lisa email her at lisa@moderngirlsguidetozen.com.

Years and years ago I lived in the downstairs apartment of a row house. Our upstairs neighbors were the only people I knew in the neighborhood. Although I wouldn’t say we were best friends, I did interact with them quite a bit socially. I really liked both of them. He was this good old boy from the area whose mother kept all of us in lasagna and tuna noodle casserole. She was this vibrant, passionate, singer in a rock band, who was unbelievably beautiful, even when she had black eyes. I would hear them fighting at night. I knew he was hitting her. I never brought it up and neither did she. This continued right up to the night where in a drunken rage he threw her down the stairs. I could hear her on the other side of the wall at the bottom of the stairs crying and moaning. It took me at least 1/2 an hour to get the nerve to call 911. Finally an ambulance and a cop car arrived, loaded her up, and I never saw either of them again. In my fantasy, after recovering from a mild concussion, she mustered up her courage and left the bastard once and for all. In my nightmares, she suffered a much more serious fate and never left the hospital. I will always wonder and I will forever feel guilty for not trying to help her.

When I was being abused, I would bet a hundred bucks all of my friends were suspicious on some level. A couple of the bravest of them ever so gently broached the subject with me. I flat out denied it. My son hinted at it to a neighbor and I am not proud to admit, I grounded him for it. Abuse creates a shroud of shame that locks one in secrecy. I look back on my behavior and I am baffled by it. However, what I know for sure, is that pattern of denial and dishonesty wasn’t unique to me. Most women who are being abused will do anything they can to cover it up or avoid detection.

So, if you are close to a woman you suspect is being abused, you are right to be hesitant to address it or step in to intervene. Chances of sitting her down for a come to Jesus talk and then whisking her off to safety are slim at best. So what are you to do?

1. Familiarize yourself with the services available in your area. Prepare yourself for that worst case call in the night. Is there a DV shelter in your area? Is there a support group? A woman is most at risk of dieing at the hands of her partner when she makes a physical attempt to leave. Having a friend who has knows the resources might really be life and death.

2. Be prepared to help out in unexpected ways. For example, be willing to watch over her pets or be willing to help out with shuttling the kids around. Women will create all sorts of barriers to leaving. Pets and transportation are on the top of the list. Try and evaluate her individual situation and very subtly address those issues with her in advance. You might say something in passing conversation like, “You know, if you ever need anyone to watch Spot for a few days, we’d love to do that. I just love that dog.”

3. In a way that is absolutely free of gossip, you might consider getting a reality check with one or two other people in your friends life. You might be wrong about your observations. You might be biased or blowing it out of proportion. However, if you are seeing things that make you suspect your friend is being abused, chances are high someone else is seeing it to. Domestic violence is such a taboo subject it’s hard to bring it up. However, the more people who are aware, the more ready a support network can be if she ever decides to leave. Find someone you trust, compare notes, and share ideas for future resources, come up with a group plan, just in case.

4. Brave the conversation with your friend and be prepared to have it become a confrontation. She is not likely to take it well. However, by opening that door with her, you may just give her someone to turn to in the future. You might say something like, “I am seeing somethings in your home life that concern me. It’s not my business, but I can’t help but be concerned because I love you so much. I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but honestly I’m worried John might become violent or worse yet, already is. So, I’m not going to butt in. But, I want you to know, no matter what or when, I’m here if you need me.”

5. For God sake if you witness abuse call 911. Do not step in to a domestic situation on your own for any reason at all. It’s highly volatile and dangerous. However, if you ever seen anything that looks like physical abuse, or hear it on the other side of the wall, do not hesitate to pick up the phone. Now, I’ll be honest, it may not end the way you hope. But if the only then that happens is a record is created regarding a domestic situation, that’s just fine. Just be willing to put yourself out there if the opportunity presents itself.

Lisa Hayes is an entrepreneur, life coach, mother, and friend. In her writing, speaking engagements, and classes she teaches, her primary goal is working with women to help them achieve peace, and even bliss, in the chaos of their everyday lives. Lisa began the pursuit of the healing arts more then a decade ago when she completed her degree in natural health and nutrition. She continued that path as a yoga and meditation instructor before becoming a life coach. Lisa is also a Certified/Registered Hypnotherapist. She utilizes the insight she received from her training in every project she undertakes.

Lisa is also a partner in an independent technology firm, and is considered one of the front runners in using new media as a platform for coaching and teaching. She is the mother of two sons, Caleb and baby Kingston.

“This book poured out of me. I meant to write just a few pages and by the time I quit writing this work had emerged. My deepest thanks go out to all the women who have read this book and shared this book with their loved ones. Great change will happen one woman at a time.”

I met my fiancé on a dating site. Since that time, lots of my single friends think I’m the online dating expert. What surprises me about that is that most of these women were around for the years prior to meeting my Mr. Perfect when I met a pathological liar on Eharmony, a man I’m pretty sure was a serial killer on Match, and at least a half dozen married men.

Now looking back on my experience and watching those experiences of my friends in the online dating world, what I observe most often is a silent desperation in women that makes the whole process incredibly heavy and serious. We are looking for Mr. Right and have a great deal of hope that every next guy is him. If we go out on three or four dates we giggle to our friends about our new boyfriend and secretly start practicing our signature with his last name, (you know you’ve done it). No matter how many times we get burned, hope in the online dating world springs eternal and sometimes leads to delusion.

So, here it is, my online dating strategy that finally scored me my Mr. Perfect. I have shared this with many women that look at me crossed eyed. But I’m here to tell you this one works if you are strong enough to stick to the program. I call it “30 free meals”.

That’s right. When you sign up for, let’s say Match.com, the cost of that membership is about $25.00 a month. You want to recoup that investment and maybe even capitalize on it by getting your moneys worth, not in fine men, but fine food. After two dinners out, that someone else paid for, you have more then made your money back.

Now, I can hear it all now, from both the men and women, about how wrong, stupid, bitchy, greedy, or sexist that is. However, I’m going to stick to the principal of my plan.

The rules are simple.

#1. When you go out on a date, first through fourth, he pays. Period. When I was doing the online dating thing, I was big about paying, always on the first date and often even after that. I wanted to prove my independence. Show a man how capable I was. What I was, was attractive to the unemployed. I realize now that a gentleman likes to pay. He likes to treat a lady, show off a little. A gentleman does not expect to get laid for the price of dinner. Now, as a relationship progresses obviously, you will pick up the tab sometimes, but in the beginning don’t even look at the bill when it hits the table. Stare into his eyes and smile graciously.

#2. Don’t even think about getting even remotely anxious about why you haven’t found Mr. Right until you’ve had your 30 free meals because finding your soul mate is not the name of the game here – free food is. You do not talk to your friends or family about these men. You certainly do not enter into any relationship, real or imaginary where you refer to any of them as boyfriend. If you are getting free food, you are successful at the online dating game. If you think at free meal 18 you have found someone worthy of calling your sister about, try with all your might to refrain. You have 12 more meals to go. By holding tight to this strategy it prevents women from taking themselves or the process too seriously.

Now I say all of this only slightly tongue and cheek. I am more serious then not. Mr. Right might be on page 14 of your matches. However, Mr. Right is going to run like hell the minute he picks up the scent of your desperation. The only way online dating works is if it’s fun and ever so light.

So, lighten up. You are two meals away from making money on your investment. With this economy, that’s a good bet!

Lisa Hayes is the author of HOW TO ESCAPE FROM RELATIONSHIP HELL. She is a mother of two, yoga instructor, hypnotherapist, and internet project manager. Lisa likes long walks on the beach and naps. You can contact her at http://www.escapefromrelationshiphell.com