My ex and I have been having some issues as of late.  Putting simply, having unresolved issues is how we end up with ex’s.  Many people have ex’s so I know we are not unique in the nature of our challenges.  However unique or not, the issues persist and wreak havoc in my home. I can probably count on one hand the number of conversations I have had with him in the last five years.  I won’t say how many of those were civil – and I am suppose to be a relationship expert.  Honestly, I do really well in my personal relationships – but when it comes to this one man, there seems to be a very stormy cloud persistently lingering over our heads.

I’m not sure what it is that is so dark and ugly between us that all our efforts, counciling, and endless trips to court can’t solve, but it’s there, all these year later.  Unfortunately, square in the crossfire, lives our son.  Our son does not remember a time when his father and I loved each other.  He has a few sparse memories of uncomfortable birthday parties and school events when we weren’t fighting.  However, the majority of his conscious observation of his parents relationship is cold and stormy.

Now, I could explain to you why this all happened, and how it wasn’t my fault and how I wronged over and over again.  However, I’ll spare you.  In fact, I spare most people.  Believe it or not, I rarely talk about my former marriage or my ex.  In an effort to stay on the high road I push that under as far and hard as I can.  Like I said though, we are having issues right now and not too surprisingly they revolve around hot topics like money, our son, accountability, honestly, and betrayal. At this point, I can’t push this all back under.  It’s up – and that’s all there is to it.

I am a law of attraction Diva.  I specialize in relationships and it took someone else to point out to me a few days ago that after all these years maybe I should invest some energy in cleaning up my energy about the ex.  What???  Really???  You think???  Sometimes walking the talk is harder then I want it to be.  Even as the words came rolling off her tongue my inner twelve year old was pitching a fit.  “But I don’t want toooooooooooo!  I have every right to feel this way.  He’s always disappointed me.  He always will.”

Holy Hannah!!!  What kind of energy is that setting up???

So – how does one upgrade the way we feel about something that feels so bad?  In my experience there are no pills or quick fixes.  Truth is it take commitment and PRACTICE.  Right now I am the one trying to remember a time when I loved my son’s father.  I’m trying to tap into some memories of experiences we shared that were pleasant.  I am finding time in meditation to ask for guidance and help with this.  Most importantly, I am practicing.  I am practicing watching my mouth and minding my tongue.  I am practicing thinking thoughts that are more neutral about him and speaking words that are softer.  Do I like it?  No.  Is it easy?  Hell no.  Has it magically turned everything between us around?  Um… no – not yet, but it’s only been three days…

What has turned around is how I feel.  I don’t feel quite so rigid.  I don’t feel so wronged.  Most importantly I don’t feel like a victim, maybe for the first time in a decade.  Will this stick??  It won’t be a permanent improvement if I don’t continue to practice.  But, if I do, I think there is a lot of room for improvement and chances are much more in my favor.

So, how’s this…

My son’s father is a hard worker.  He is a patriot who has been dedicated to country and career.  He also likes to keep a clean car.

Not off the charts enthusiastic, I know.  However, it’s an improvement and I’m still practicing.