A little boy, maybe four years old sits at the table at a restaurant and hits himself in the face with a board book until tears come to his eyes. His mother who appears to have seen this before, looks at him sweetly, wipes his tears, and says “Evan, honey, quit hurting yourself.”

A devastated friend confides:
“I hate my marriage. I don’t see this getting better. I don’t see anyway out.”

A tearful client cries,
“I have been in this job for four years. I hate going there. My boss is seriously abusive. I’ve stayed longer then anyone. You’d think she’d respect me for that, but she doesn’t. It seems to be getting worse. I don’t know what to do.”

Another reader writes,
“My boyfriend and I are fighting all the time. I love him. I really do. But seriously, I’m starting to feel sick every time I’m around him. I don’t want to keep going on like this.”

I am going to impart a novel piece of advice that has the power to transform your life forever. If it hurts – stop doing it. Just stop. Trust me I realize it may not be easy, but it is that simple.

When we pay attention to how things feel our emotional guidance system tells us what’s good for us and what isn’t. Success or failure in life, misery or happiness, all hang in the balance of how willing we are to pay attention to how things feel. It’s law of attraction basics 101. However, for what ever reason that typically escapes me, people take a sense of pride in hanging in there when things are unbearable. Some are trained to believe there is honor in suffering. Maybe there is. But there isn’t any happiness.

You learned as a child that if the burner was hot pull your hands back from the stove. If you want a happy life, stop doing things that hurt. It might be a simple as resigning your post as the President of the PTA. It might be as horrific as leaving a ten year marriage. Whatever it is, when you stop doing it, the pain will eventually pass and a doorway to freedom will open.

Just remember this one simple thing – if it hurts – even a little – stop doing it. Quit hurting yourself.

A previous guest on my radio show said something to this effect. “You can free up about 80% of your personal energy if you are willing to give up your addiction to being right and your addiction to being liked.” Recently I have found myself tired and wondering where my energy was going. A few days ago I was thumbing through some of my old notes and found that quote. I find myself reflecting on just the past few days instances in my life where I was bleeding my energy in those ways.

* I have a client who’s bills are paid by a bookkeeper. I frequently have to ask for the invoices to be paid in a timely manner. Whenever I deal with this bookkeeper I feel as if I am a nuisance to her, (this situation should of course be a nuisance to me). Every time this exchange happens, I try harder to be nicer. She is always abrupt, sometimes even curt. The harder I try, the cooler she gets. I keep trying because I want her to like me. Why??? She’s a bookkeeper – not a client. I shouldn’t have to make those calls anyway!!!
* I recently got into a dispute with an admissions officer at my son’s soon to be college regarding the status of his state residency. The issue seemed very clear to me. However, three hours, four phone calls, six emails later, I’ve learned logic doesn’t always apply to law.
* Last week I was busy trying to find a renter for one of our houses. I talked to one woman who I believed was my ideal renter. I even followed up with a charming email message about how much I’d enjoyed talking with her, (probably over-kill). When she didn’t rent the house, the first question I asked myself was why she didn’t like me – not why she didn’t like the house.
* My mother and I got into a discussion about religion. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how that progressed…

I could go on, but I’m too tired. I just don’t have the energy.

So, I am on a recovery program. First of all, in an effort to have the energy to sustain myself through dinner without a nap, I have solemnly sworn off defending my opinion. I have had the opportunity to end several conversations with the words, “oh – ok”. Not only has this conserved energy but it’s also saved me at least forty-five minutes of time I might have continued unnecessary conversations.

The addiction to being liked is harder for me to kick. However, I’m committed. I’ve decided to stop trying to charm the parking enforcement officer. It hasn’t worked so far, it’s probably never going to work. I also didn’t take personal offense when the phone representative at my electric company didn’t seem enchanted with me while I was making a payment by phone. More importantly, I have decided to make my compass point in my personal relationships finding opportunities to give approval, not finding opportunities to seek it.

This change in focus is actually quite freeing. It’s a bit like taking off a pair of sunglasses and seeing the world a little brighter. I like the new view. I’ll let you know how I do without my nap!