I get very frequent emails asking how to a person might be able to change their “beloved”.  How can I stop him from cheating?  How can I get him to get a job?  How can I get her to stop drinking?  How can I make sure he’s never abusive again?  How can I get her to want to me more?  How can I make him love me more?  All good questions and all are completely irrelevant.

It’s really hard to grasp the concept that the person who is causing your pain is not your problem.  Not even a little bit.  If you’re in a relationship of any kind and it’s wrong, bad, or not working, I can guarantee there is only one person who needs changing or fixing.  That person is you.  This is a deal breaking concept with many potential clients who really just want to know how to get their husband or wife to stop being or doing whatever he or she is or is doing.  That other person’s behavior – anyone else’s behavior is just not your business.  If it’s happening in your life, you are not just allowing it, condoning it, or encouraging it by allowing it to continue – you are in fact attracting it or creating it.

I totally get why no one wants to hear that.  It’s a bitter pill to swallow.  That said, if you are willing to swallow it, that pill will heal your soul.  It comes down to trust.  It’s not about trusting him or anyone else.  It’s about you trusting you.  When you trust yourself enough to know that you will take care of you AND that you will not allow yourself to be treated in a way that disrespects you, that’s when the magic happens.  That’s when you are in a perfect position to have perfect relations with all you come in contact with.  This ranges from your lover to the postman.  If you totally know without a shadow of a doubt that you will not tolerate abuse, disregard, or disdain, AND you trust yourself to take care of you, your relationship struggles are over, for good.

If you are like me, you might have a pretty shady relationship with yourself when it comes to trusting yourself with your heart and your own self respect.  That said, in an instant, you can turn that around.  You can make yourself a solemn promise that you will no longer be anyone’s doormat.  You can take one hundred percent responsibility for how you are treated.  You can learn to say no and to walk away.  You can respect yourself enough to trust yourself from this point forward.

I can think of at least twenty people who might read this and think, “Lisa is talking about/to me.  This is about that conversation we had.”  Trust me.  I have to have this conversation with myself often.  Sometimes daily.  So, for myself, and everyone else out there who might need a wake up call, I quietly suggest just that.  Wake up.  Not in the slap in the face sense of the word, but in the enlightenment sense of the word.  It’s all on you.  You are responsible.  Thank God and Goddess you can be trusted.

Mozart the pug is my constant companion.  I have four dogs.  Anyone who’s been around dogs, or people for that matter, knows that if you get more then two of them together at any given point, a pack emerges.  Our dogs are no exception to the pack rule.  With any pack – there is always an alpha leader.  Mozart is the oldest of the bunch.  He is the smallest of the bunch.  He is certainly the most docile of the bunch.  However, without a doubt he is the alpha dog of the pack.  Why?  Because I am a human with imposable thumbs and I enforce Mozart’s law in the pack.  Mozart is my favorite.  I give him anything his heart desires.

Now, I know, no Mommy is suppose to play favorites.  But I’d be telling a flat out lie if I didn’t admit Mozart is my favorite.  Everyone who knows me knows this is the truth.  I love all my dogs, but Mozart holds a very special place for me.  Mozart rules my house, my heart, and his pack with my help.  Mozart doesn’t stress about his place in the pack.  He never frets about how he’s going to get what he wants.  He doesn’t “hope” he gets to keep his place of royalty.  He knows.  Always.  A few days ago my husband I were talking about how Mozart seems to actually be getting younger, more agile, and more healthy as time goes on.  He seems to be completely defying the aging game.   My husband aptly pointed out it’s because Mozart never worries about anything.  Why would he?  He has a human Mommy who delivers for him every single time.

It might be a stretch to draw a line between law of attraction and Mozart the pug’s perfect existence.  From where I sit though, it’s a perfect illustration.  What if it worked like this?  I am God’s favorite.  I know I am.  There is evidence of it everywhere.  I don’t have to worry about defending my place in the order of things.  God does it for me.  I’m the favorite.  If I want something I can’t get myself God does it for me.  God has magical powers.  If I want something I could get myself if I really worked at it, but don’t feel like working that hard, that’s OK.  God gets it for me, every single time.  I am the favorite.  Life is good for me.  Being the favorite is sweet.  I get what I want.  God sees to it. If “God” is a charged word for you replace it with whatever you like, the Universe, the Divine, whatever.  It’s a worthwhile exercise to find a name that fits for you.  Why?  Because here’s the real “secret”.  This story is the truth. This is exactly the way things work, when you understand it.

So – if you’re ever lost – or heaven forbid, worrying, please take a moment to reflect on the muse, Mozart the pug.  I promise you, at whatever moment you are thinking of him, he’s comfortably laying on a pillow, lightly napping, feeling perfectly loved and appropriately worshiped.  As are you, perfectly loved and appropriately worshiped too.  Why?  Because you are the favorite.

I know how I operate.  When I get into a funk I can turn my world upside down in no time.  Knowing this, I typically avoid a funk.  This week however, I let myself get into a fit that led to a funk I couldn’t seem to find relief from.  Mean while, back in my life, the funk was taking a toll.  Energy flows where attention goes, so as I was stead fast in my observation of things that weren’t pleasing me, not only did I feed the funk, I got more of the same from the Universe in the form of a wide variety of things that didn’t please me.  I am a powerful creator!

This afternoon it just so happened both my husband and myself were home early.  Rather then plunking down for Oprah he suggested a nap.  It’s perfect nap weather in Washington today.  Wind is blowing about 35 mph and it is of course raining.  So, we snuggled in for a siesta.  Cuddled and slept like little babies for an hour.  After which I reminisced about my trip to Spain, where in my observation people take a daily siesta as a way of maintaining quality of life.  It gives them the juice to have wonderful energy much later into the day.  In honor of that thought we got up, had some wonderful blue cheese with fruit and wine for dinner.  We pinky swore we would make siesta a much more regular treat in our household, if not a serious tradition.  During my siesta, and wine and cheese with fruit surprisingly enough I didn’t fret, fuss, worry, or feed the funk.  Also during the siesta party I got an email saying a new client had decided to sign up, a PayPal notification I had money I didn’t really anticipate, and an important voice mail with info I’d been waiting for.  Go figure.  A little bit of ease is a very powerful funk fighter.  Obviously the Universe had been lining good things up for me.  I just needed to nap, relax and let it in.

I know this stuff.  We all do.  But seriously – sometimes a funk takes hold and doesn’t want to let go.  The key is finding tools that work for you for getting back to that oh so pleasant state of eeeeeease.
Siesta is my plan.  We are a certified siesta household as of today.  I’m curious to hear what your funk fighting strategy might be.

Angela was single – again.  Her nine month relationship with Todd came to an abrupt halt when we told her he had serious feelings for a coworker.  She was shocked, but in hindsight the signs had been there all along.  Todd had been losing interest for awhile.  As we talked about her relationship with Todd, it was painful clear to me that Angela had made a fatal mistake a lot of women make after they get into a steady reliable relationship.  Angela had given up her life – or at least the parts of it that made her interesting.

Prior to meeting Todd, Angela was a very busy girl, doing very interesting things.  She was a part of a wine club that took monthly weekend excursions to various regional wineries.  She participated in a yoga coop and took turns teaching a class once a month.  She took Indian cooking classes.  She had a night out with the girls at least twice a month, usually weekly.  She also volunteered her time with Habitat for Humanity and had worked on several construction builds.  This was where she met Todd.  They spend one Saturday side by side hanging drywall.  He was fascinated by her many diverse interests and seemed immediately smitten with her.  Although in the beginning of their relationship she was very busy, he seemed more then willing to bend his schedule to be with her when ever she could make time for him.

The first thing to go was the girls nights out.  Angela preferred to spend quiet nights at home with Todd.  She didn’t tell him she was saying no to her friends.  She just did, week after week until they quit calling.  Next was the cooking classes.  When the Indian food series ended, she didn’t sign up for the Yucatan regional cuisine class she’d been looking forward to.  She preferred to spend her Saturday afternoons with Todd.  She didn’t tell him she was giving up her passion for learning to cook for him.  She just did it.  The monthly trips to the regional wineries took up too much time.  She quit.  The yoga coop lost an instructor due to pregnancy.  They asked her to pick up an extra class.  She took this as an opportunity to tell them she was planning to take some time off too.  She quit teaching yoga and quit practicing herself.  She did continue to go to the Habitat sites and volunteer her time, Todd of course at her side.

In Todd’s eyes Angela was becoming a little too clingy.  Unfortunately she was also becoming a little boring.  That fascinating woman he’d fallen in love with didn’t seem that interesting anymore.  He wasn’t sure when it happened, but without a doubt he was sure it had.  Angela had become a home body with little interest in anything but him.  Todd didn’t mean to fall out of love with her and in love with someone else.  However, Elsie from his office was an amazing woman.  He loved the fact that she was a sky diver and and avid skier.  Elsie’s eyes would just light up when she talked about heading for the mountain for a weekend in the snow.  It was mesmerizing.  Angela was not.

I’m sure you see the point here.  After pointing it out to her Angela sure did.

Three months later Angela is back on track.  Back in the wine club.  Back to her cooking lessons.  Teach two yoga classes a month.  Still volunteering her time with Habitat.  Now she is training for a marathon.  She is also considering remodeling her bathroom, mostly by herself.  She is fun, fit, energetic, interesting, and in the perfect place to meet and attract a man.  She has been asked out several times and gone on a couple of dates.  However, she’s not jumping in the relationship pool quite yet.  She wants to finish her marathon before she gets too serious with anyone.  On a side note, she ran into Todd while grouting a tile wall in a Habitat house.  He isn’t seeing Elsie anymore.  She’s dating her ski instructor.  Todd mentioned he might sign up for cooking classes and wondered if she’d mind if he joined Angela.

We’ll see where this goes, but I have a feeling Todd has re-met the interesting woman of his dreams.

I recently had a conversation with a woman who was seriously contemplating the somewhat philosophical topic of how to 100% eliminate abuse from our society. She and I didn’t see eye to eye on this subject. However, it was a great conversation none the less.

Now let me preface this topic by saying a couple of things. First I would like to define abuse as any act that is intended to harm emotionally, mentally, or physically. Secondly, I do not believe this is a gender issue. Some of my male readers occasionally say to me that I am unfair to the male species. I want to state for the record that I have a family member who was a victim of a domestic violence homicide, and his name was Uncle Duane. So, I don’t think abuse is a one way street. I certainly don’t dislike men, I dislike mean people, whether they are men or women.

All of that said, in our conversation about eliminating abuse, my friend really believed that in order to do so, we would have to eliminate the abusers by helping them change their behavior. I believe it would be much easier to modify the behavior of the “victims”. Having been a “victim” of domestic violence myself I can say with great certainty, that I was, am, and always will be responsible for my own experience. Through begging, pleading, counseling, and support groups, my “abuser” didn’t change his behavior. The minute I made the decision to change me, and remove myself from that relationship, the abuse stopped. It simply stopped.

Being a victim is a state of mind – much more then it is a state of being. Like it or not, it’s a choice. Now, I realize that is a controversial statement. However, there is no denying it’s true. It seems clear to me that in order to stop abuse we have to quit tolerating it. What would happen collectively, if as a society we simply stopped tolerating abuse? What would happen if as individuals we simply quit tolerating it by leaving the room or leaving the relationship?

I honestly believe it is just that simple. We chose what we are willing to accept and train people how to treat us. We get out of relationships what we are willing to accept, more simply put, what we are willing to settle for. I implore you, today, to help stop abuse in our society once and for all, by making a sacred vow to yourself. “As of this moment, this day, I am no longer willing to be abused. As of this moment I will stand in my power. I will claim my power as a Divine being. I chose to live in love, only being loved, only giving love.”

No victim-hood there – no abusers either. Problem solved.