I am a firm believer that a divorce doesn’t have to be a bad thing.  In fact, I believe most people come out of a divorce much happier then they were before.  That said, for a million different reasons, as unique as an individual marriage, most people don’t want to end up divorced.  Whether it’s the kids, the finances, or just because there is still love in the relationship, trying to stay together is always worth the effort.  Marriages that come back from the brink are often stronger then they ever were before.  If the marriage doesn’t recover, at least both partners are left with a sense that they tried everything before giving up.

Even though the writing is often on the wall for a long time, often people don’t see it when they are in the thick of things.  So, when the “I want a divorce” talk happens it can be a sickening shock.  That kind of shock can feel like a two by four to the head and leave a person reeling with devastating confusion.  In that state of mind, it’s very difficult to know what to do next.  If you find yourself in this situation below are my top ten tips to stop a divorce.

1. Buy yourself some time.  Your immediate goal is to prevent your spouse from leaving the house.  Once a couple separates, statistics for reconciliation are not good.  That said, you absolutely must acknowledge what your partner has said while and at the same time keep your cool.  Do not beg, plead, or make demands.  You don’t need pity or sympathy.  You need information.  You might start that conversation by saying something like this.
   ” OK, I hear that you want out of this marriage.  I am deeply sorry you feel that way, but here we are.  I honestly believe counseling or professional help is our best option.  Maybe  we can work on our marriage.  Maybe we just need conflict resolution help so we can get through this divorce without hurting each other more.  Whatever happens, I believe counseling is our best bet right now no matter the outcome.  What do you need from me right now in order for you to be willing to stay in the house as we start getting professional help?”
2. Whether your spouse agrees to stay or not, you must seek professional help.  In cases like this I am a firm believer in the coaching model vs. the counseling model.  Counseling can be very “past to present” oriented.  This means many counselors will take the approach of helping a couple work through past issues.  This can be effective.  It can take a lot of time.  You may not have that much time to invest right now. Coaching is more “present to future” oriented.  This means a relationship coach will work with you to develop tools and strategies right now with the goal of getting to a better future.  When time is an issue, coaching often presents more immediate results.  Whatever you chose for a path for professional help, do it quickly.  The clock is working against you, so the sooner you get a professional on board the better your chances for saving your marriage.  Your spouse may not participate.  Oh well.  Get help anyway.
3. Stop sexual intimacy.  This may seem very counter intuitive, however, if your spouse has asked for a divorce it’s not good for you to be sexually intimate with them right now.  Women confuse sex with emotional intimacy and often think that if he’s sleeping with me, everything is OK.  It’s not.  Men can have sex for no reason at all.  Sex can also become a weapon or a bargaining chip at these times, which is incredibly unhealthy.  Simply explain to your spouse that although you are very thankful they’ve decided to stay in the home at this point, you will be sleeping in the guestroom until things are different.  This does two things, it protects you emotionally and it let’s him know you heard every word about him wanting a divorce.  This is not business as usual.
4. Be as emotionally neutral as possible.  I know this is hard, but it’s hugely important.  Do not be too lovey and cuddly – that will be perceived as being needy.  Do not ask for reassurance.  Do not be hostile or angry.  DO NOT demand anything, answers, explanations, or promises kept.  Be cordial and that’s it.  He is expecting either a firestorm of a floodgate of tears and anguish.  Don’t deliver either.
5. Engage in becoming completely non-judgmental while at the same time take nothing personally.  Like I said, you need information.  You may have absolutely no idea why he wants out.  If that’s the case it’s probably because he’s afraid of telling you for fear of your reaction.  Get in the mode of being able to hear without reacting.  The more you can do that the more your spouse will be able to open up to share little by little.  Listen, don’t judge, don’t take it personal, don’t react.  Just listen.
6. Keep other people out of your business.  The more friends and family members that are involved or even know, the smaller the chance of recovering your marriage.  Yes, you need support, chose a couple of people very close to you to fill that role.  After that, at all costs, keep your mouth closed, and ask your confidants to do the same.
7. Start building a life without him at the center of it.  Take classes, go out with friends, go for walks, go to the gym, and do it without him.  He wants a life without you.  Let him see you are capable of having a life without him.  It will make you more interesting and make him a little more interested if you aren’t underfoot all the time.  This is even more important if your spouse decides to leave the house.  Just because he’s not there, doesn’t mean he won’t notice.
8. You will not survive this whatever it is, and be mentally well, without extreme self-care.  You must eat well and sleep well.  You must exercise and find some form of meditation.  This is the worst imaginable kind of stress.  It takes a very quick toll on your body, mind, and spirit.  If you don’t commit to taking care of yourself first right now, you will not be able to care of your kids, or job, or your marriage.  Find a way to connect with spirit.  Pray, journal, or whatever works for you.
9. Start forgiving now.  Forgive yourself first, then forgive him completely, for everything.  Your marriage will never survive with resentment in the background.  You will never be healthy in this relationship or any other if you can’t write a blank check of forgiveness.  This is not to say you are excusing anything.  Forgiveness is different.  It’s a choice and it’s powerful.
10. Hire an attorney now.  Most people recoil at that idea.  It seems to final or extreme.  However, trust me, nothing puts the vague idea of divorce in perspective like the cold reality of child support, parenting plans, and property division.  Hire an attorney and tell him you’re doing so. Tell your attorney you want to save your marriage.

“You know I want our marriage to work.  However, I have decided to go see an attorney on Thursday.  I feel it’s important to start flushing out what things might look like if
we don’t make it through this.  I love you and want to be with you.  I feel like our future is at stake here.  I realize you are serious about wanting out of this relationship and I
take that seriously.  My attorney knows I want to save my marriage.  I hope you do too.  I just feel this is best at this time for me and the kids.”

In the end – be ready, be flexible, and be calm.  No matter what happens everything will really be OK.

First dates are tricky.  I know this.  I’ve had my share.  I recently talked to a friend who had experienced a run of first date disasters, including one where her date showed up at the restaurant wearing a clown nose, (to break the ice), and one where the date excused himself to the restroom and was gone almost 45 minutes.  He came back to the table just after she’d paid the bill and just in time to ask her to go for a drive to a private scenic view point.  Men too have their challenges with first date woes.  Some of the first date horror stories I’ve heard from my male friends are shocking.  Ian recently had a blind date with a co-workers sister.  She explained to him within the first ten minutes that she had herpes, she thought he should know, but it was only contagious during break-outs.  Really??? My worst first date involved a very hot guy with a cell phone that was on fire with text messages.  He was a good multi-tasker and was carrying on charming conversation with me while simultaneously texting away.  How rude!  That date ended when I figured out he was not only being rude to me, but also super rude to his wife who was trying to figure out when he was going to be home.

Anyhow – some first dates are rough.  Some however, totally rock.  I’ve had first dates that led to life long friendships with really cool guys.  I’ve had first dates that were blinding romantic and led to whirlwind romances that novels are made of.  Obviously I had a first date with the man of my dreams, who I married.  So, how do you get more rockin first dates and less disasters?

1. Follow your intuition.  If something feels off it probably is.  If your gut tells you to get out do just that.  If a little voice tells you not to see him again, don’t.
2. Where?  Someplace public.  Obviously – never ask him over, never ask him to pick you up.  I say obviously, but that obvious statement tends to get overlooked in the whirlwind of a hopeful first date.  I’ve made the mistake of asking a man over for dinner on a first date more then once – bad idea every time.
3. Think sophisticated and flirty.  Stay away from sexy.  Give a guy a break on a first date and make it easier for him to actually look at your face.
4. What to talk about?  Mostly the other person – not in interrogation or interview form – but in charmingly curious form.  Do not grill him about his career goals.  Do ask questions about why he likes kite boarding or what he enjoyed most about his last trip to Paris.
5. What not to talk about?  Your Ex, your cats, or your problems.
6. Most important first date secret weapon?  Smile a lot.  I’m not suggesting smiling like a prom queen all evening.  I am suggesting turning on the smile a little more then you might otherwise.  Subconsciously men interpret a warm smile as a signal that you are confident, open, approachable, and interested in him.
7. What not to do?  Do not text or take cell phone calls.  Do not have more then two drinks.  Do not order the at the highest price point on the menu.
8. Who pays?  He does.  Period.  Generally rule of thumb.  Let a man pay for the first three dates.  After that, who ever asks the other person out or plans the date pays.  I used to break this rule every time.  I was a big first payer.  My unemployed dates really liked it.
9. What next?  Do not sleep with him on the first date – unless you really want to.  Just know this, if you do, you will either never hear from him again or you will get shifted into the booty call role.
10. To call or not to call?  Do not call him back first.  Wait for him to call.  If he wants to see you again, he will.  If he doesn’t call you back, you’d have better luck chasing your tail then trying to track him down.  Thank him for dinner at the end of the date and give him the chance to pursue you.

Relationships, like so many other parts of our lives are often defined by societal myths.  Unfortunately many of those myths are simply just that, myths, or stories.  Although they don’t have to be true, they have become accepted ideas that weave their ways through our realities.  Below are the top four relationship myths that I think are worth debunking.  These stories hurt us and they simply don’t have to be true.

1. Marriage is hard work. Yes marriage requires commitment.  It requires a willingness to deal with life’s issues as they arise as a couple, with the other one in mind.  But “hard work”??  Heavens, I hope not.  Why would anyone sign up for a lifetime commitment to hard work?  It doesn’t sound like fun to me.  It certainly wasn’t what I signed up for when I signed on the dotted line.  In my observation good relationships actually significantly reduce life’s  “hard work”.  Good relationships are fun, nurturing, and comforting.  Healthy relationships, the right relationships, are anything but hard work.
2. Being “in love” is a temporary state that always fades with time. Uh… no.  With the right partner, in a healthy relationship that spark does in fact evolve, and as time passes and the depth of intimacy increases that spark can become and remain a flame.  The kind of full disclosure and acceptance that comes with time creates an intimate bond that is seriously sexy.  Super hot sex isn’t about “newness”.  It comes with trust and deep love that develops over time.  With an expectation of “in love” staying a reality in a relationship it does, as long as both partners keep the relationship a priority like they did in the beginning.
3. It’s important that kids know they are the priority. I honestly believe that if a couple is going to keep that “in love” vibe going beyond their third anniversary, it’s important that kids know they are NOT the priority.  Kids need to know they are important.  Kids need to know they are loved unconditionally.  However, kids will do well knowing Mommy and Daddy are wildly in love and they will thrive in a home where that kind of marriage sets the tone.  Healthy marriages breed healthy children.
4. Compromise is what makes a relationship work. I hope not.  Why would anyone want to engage in something that requires them to give up on what they want most of the time, or even a good part of the time?  Sure, cooperation is important – but that kind of cooperation is about figuring out how every can get what they want – developing the “win/win” .  It’s not about figuring out how everyone can give up enough of what they want so they can just get a long and get through the day.

“Something happened after Kayden was born.”  Renee stated flatly.  “James an I became roommates almost overnight.  Two parents – not husband and wife.  I know this happens, like it’s part of it, but I’m sad.”

Yes, it happens, but it shouldn’t.  There is a general running expectation that the spark in a relationship dies off at some point, as time passes, as kids show up, as things change.  There is a notion that being “in love”, becomes “loving” someone, and then becomes a warmish sense of connection over the years – and generally most people accept this.  The thing is, it’s a pack of evil, evil lies.  It just doesn’t have to be true.  Yes, things happen.  Yes, life changes.  Yes, kids need attention and jobs require time and energy.  Yes, we get older.  That said, none of that has to drain the life out of a relationship.

• Part of the trick is changing the expectation.  Marriage is suppose to last a lifetime.  Who wants to settle for decades and decades of so, so love and zero passion?  No one.  So don’t settle.  By simply changing your expectation you can get the wheels of the Universe in motion.  When my husband walks in a room my heart still skips a beat.  When he puts his arm around me I still melt into him.  We still have rockin’ sex.  Guess what.  I expect that will continue well into our geriatric years.  I know it’s possible.  My parents are in their 80’s and they still light up a room when they are together.
• Secondly – make your relationship your priority.  In the beginning of those “in love” days, he/she was the only thing that mattered.  You’d go to any length to be together and to please the other. Nothing mattered more.  The reason kids, jobs, and life get in the way as time passes, is simple.  Priorities change.  However, if you intend to keep the passion or especially get back the passion, your relationship has to be the priority.  That’s right ladies – what I’m saying is your man has to be your priority over your kids…
• Finally, ask for what you want.  Over the years we tend to crave certain things that have long since disappeared.  However, most people just accept it.  If you need more touch from your mate, ask for it.  If you need some romantic dinners, ask for them.  If you need more sex, ask for it.  Key word is “ask”.  Ask, not nag.  If you ask and it’s not happening, it might be time to get some professional relationship help.  Many people wait until a relationship is days or weeks from divorce papers before seeking relationship coaching or counseling.  Save yourself a lot of heart ache and money and seek help way before boredom, distraction, and dissatisfaction turns into crisis.

Renee sent Kayden to spend a week with Grandma.  She didn’t want to, but she did it. She cried when he left, but she did it anyway.   Renee was almost instantly surprised how quickly that fiery spark came back between her and James.  Dinner that didn’t involve a sippy cup was shocking romantic.    With that revelation Renee and James have re-committed to their relationship.  They made some solemn promises to each other.  Some of those promises had to do with certain items from Victoria Secret.  Some of those promises had to do with who would vacuum the floor.  Mostly, they promised to put each other first everyday.  It’s easier then most people think when both partners are on the same page.

I believe that love is one of the most attract vibrations out there.  I think that if one can look at love as a tool and not just a random passing feeling, you can use that tool to keep things moving your way a lot more often.  Love is pure positive feel good energy and when it’s being showered down on anyone it feels really good.  Who doesn’t want to be loved up on???  That said, I like to use love as a pre-encounter, feel good fairy dust before I even start an interaction with another person.  I try to remember to love up anyone and everyone I’m about to come in contact with.  Bank teller, grocery store clerk, insurance adjuster, clients, and most importantly my children and my husband.  Before I ever utter a word in person, I like to think to myself about how much I love them.  The “I really, really love you” vibe is really, really powerful and people respond.  I know they do because I can tell the difference when I’m dealing with people when I don’t send out the love magic in advance.  I don’t think it’s my imagination.  If I forget to lay on the love, people are just a little less open, a little less anxious to please, and a little less at ease.

So, I really want the new Hero HTC cell phone.  My current phone shuts off randomly and has about one hour of battery life at a time.  I waited until a new phone, that I knew I would love, that operates on Google’s new Andriod operating system, came out before upgrading.  But now it’s here, the Hero HTC cell phone.  Who doesn’t want a hero???  Dude, I want that phone.  So, I called up Sprint a few days ago to talk them into giving me the deal I want.  I am usually very good at this.  I can usually get an item for a price I want to pay for it.  It’s a fun way I play with law of attraction.  However, in my haste to upgrade my phone and get that new beauty in my hot hands, I didn’t take the time for my customary pre-call love up on my Sprint representative – and this was a mistake, Kim obviously needed it.  I could tell almost immediately Kim from Sprint was frustrated and tired of customers.  She seemed immune to my charm and certainly wasn’t in the mood to entertain my plan for getting my new phone at my price.  It took almost no time at all for our conversation to turn from my dream phone, to a dispute on our bill.  After we “resolved” our dispute, Kim informed me that even though the website said I was entitled an upgrade rebate for my old phone, I wasn’t.  Not until next month.  I’m pretty sure I hung up from that call owing Sprint more money then when I’d originally dialed them and with no Hero in sight.   Sad, very sad.

Now this is not an article about what happened when I didn’t do a pre-call love up on Kim.  This is an article about a different kind of miracle.  That evening, as I was laying in bed, dreaming about my Hero, I reflected on the exchange I’d had with Sprint.  Where did it go so terribly wrong?  Where’s my phone?  And so as I was staring at my ceiling bemoaning my not coming phone, it dawned on me, Kim was having a bad day.   I decided to send that feisty woman a healthy dose of love.  I loved up on Kim for several minutes.  I re-imagined the call I didn’t actually have, going my way.  I also imagined asking Kim to speak with her supervisor so I could tell them what an awesome job she did.

Yesterday I called Sprint.  To my very pleasant surprise I found out I am due for my upgrade after-all.  Although I didn’t get a discount, Sprint very generously offered me several really cool accessories for free.  My phone is currently in Memphis on it’s way to me.  I know this because I am checking the UPS tracking about every three hours.  Also, there was a record of my call with Kim in my client notes.  She’d actually credited my account extra for our billing “dispute” and I got almost a month of service for free and I didn’t even know.  I did talk to her supervisor about what a rock star phone rep she is.

The point here is, apparently love knows no bounds.  Not even time.  Love can work today, tomorrow, and yes, even yesterday.  One might think my post-game love up was a fluke or my imagination.  I don’t think so.  I challenge you to try it out for yourself and see for yourself.  Love is always a miracle worker and it’s never too late.