I hear it in all forms.  “I’m afraid he’ll yell at me.”  “I’m afraid he’ll be mad.”  “I know if I do that he’ll shut me out.”  “He always gets angry when I do that.”  “I’m afraid he’ll embarrass me.”
Angie was afraid to talk to Jim about his spending.  She was certain it was out of control and was driving their family further and further into debt.  She needed to address this with him.  She wanted to talk about solutions.  Problem was Angie was afraid he’d respond badly.  So, instead of facing the issue head on, she sat by silently, complacently doing and saying nothing.  When we talked about why she hadn’t discussed this with her husband and she told me she feared his response.   I suggested that however he responded was perfectly OK and none of her concern.  The line was silent for several long seconds.  “But, I want you to tell me how to talk to  him so he won’t get mad.”

I can’t.

Here’s the thing.  I am only responsible for my behavior.  I try to live a life on integrity and compassion.  I try to insure that my relations with other people are loving.  That’s my job.  Usually I’m good at it.  Sometimes I fail.  But it’s my responsibility.  How people respond to me is none of my business.  In a relationship where we are afraid of how another is going to react we are perpetually handing over our power.  If I’m quiet he won’t be mad.  If I’m cheerful things will go better.  If I pretend everything is OK, maybe he won’t yell.  Reality is that kind of behavior is debilitating and irresponsible.  It’s personally crippling.  What if however, he, she, or anyone else reacted was OK.  What if not only we didn’t fear, but we didn’t judge any reaction.

I posed that question to Angie.  “If you didn’t judge his reaction as good or bad, and if you just let whatever he says or does be OK, do you think you’d get any of your personal power back?”
The answer is yes.  The answer is yes for all of us.  If we said what we needed to say and asked what we needed to ask for, without judging anyone or their reaction, we would have much more peace in our relationships, all of them.  Some might say easier said then done.  I say it’s simply not worth it any other way.  The cost of silence and placating is too high.

Larenda ended her very long email by simply saying, “My husband told me he isn’t attracted to me anymore.  I don’t know how to handle that.  I feel like my marriage is falling down around me.”

I’d like to say I can’t relate to that.  However, I have been on the receiving end of that conversation and it is devastating.  At first glance it feels like it’s all about not being good enough, for that other person.  At second glance though, it’s something entirely different.  Truth of the matter is, it’s never about how another person feels.  When I went through a similar situation many years ago, I must admit to being completely deflated.  I felt like I was never going to be good enough, for him, or anyone else.  Attractiveness is tricky though.  Although we are talking about “physical attractiveness” here, it’s really about something so much more Universal.  Long before someone else says they aren’t attracted to you, in most cases, especially in my case, I had silently quit feeling attractive long before.  I didn’t feel physically attractive, emotionally attractive, or energetically attractive.  This had nothing to do with my weight, or my hair, or my make-up.  It did have everything to do with the fact that I was overwhelmed, sad, and completely energetically spent.  At that time nothing in my life was going the way I wanted it to.  Friendships were rocky, work was a nightmare, and yes, my relationship was running flat – at best.  That’s really the way it has to work, because I was vibrating at such a low place.  Bottom line – I was not attractive.  I was not attractive to my love, or anyone or anything else. Most importantly, I wasn’t attractive to me.

Attracting the good stuff has everything to do with living passionately and loving unconditionally.  It took me a very long time to learn that when I’m not in alignment with my highest self I can’t be my most attractive.  It also took me a long time to learn that I want to be my most attractive for me, and me only.  Not for a man, not any man, not ever.  I know for sure now, that the way people relate to me is a direct reflection of how I feel about myself.  I also know the only way I’m feeling like the spunky, beautiful, ball of love I was intended to be, is if I’m living my best, most vibrant, life in alignment with the Divine.  The only person who’s job it is to see to it I’m there, is me.  If I can’t make me happy, no one else can.  And let me tell you, I am much sexier woman when I’m well fed, well rested, and blissed out.

So, to Larenda, and any other woman out there feeling devastatingly unattractive, I have one thing to say.  The only person who needs to be attracted to you is you.  Period.  When you’re in your best groove, everything else and everyone else follows, including the man in your life, or the man to come.  It’s that simple.  You have to feel sexy to be sexy.  You have to feel confident to be confident.  You have to deeply, unwaveringly, love yourself with great devotion before any one else can.

It’s an inside job.  It always is.

What if I could tell you how to guarantee your own personal happiness?  What if you could burn all your self help books, and fire your guru?  What if there really was a quick fix for what’s ailing your state of mind?  Depression is epidemic in our society right now.  Recent studies show that depression is spiking even higher then ever before due to economic stress.  Studies also show that one of the most effective ways to combat stress is simply helping other people.  Reaching out to help others is a very effective way to release all kinds of feel good chemicals in the brain, the very same chemicals that antidepressant drugs help the brain manufacture.  Antidepressants are being prescribed at an alarming rate, and although I have absolutely nothing against antidepressants, I think it would be really cool if some people could generate that feel good chemical concoction naturally.  That said, when asked why people didn’t commit to a program of service to others for their own benefit, most of them answered, it was too hard, took too much time, or they didn’t know what to do.

However, it’s not that hard, it doesn’t take much time, and there is one easy way to serve others that provides an instant feel good rush.  It’s simple.  Set out to bring a smile to the face of everyone you come in contact with.  How???  A kind word and a compliment are miracle workers.  Humans respond very positively to other smiling humans.  We get something from it.  We get something very tangable, measurable, and chemical from it.  So, by simply complimenting another person, and enjoying their warm smile, it’s like giving yourself a dose of feel good.  Maya Angelou says, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  Even better then that is the feeling you get from making others feel validated.  A single, simple moment that it takes to appreciate one little thing about others pays big dividends for everyone involved.

My challenge for myself is to bring a smile to the face of everyone I come in contact with.  It’s easier then one would think.  Simply setting that intention makes it even easier.  Playing this game with myself makes everything from going to the grocery store to talking to an insurance adjuster much more pleasant for me.  And… I feel great, unusually great for the end of January, which is usually the time of year the darkness of Winter in Washington State starts making me a sad girl.

If you need inspiration to join me in my super fun challenge, spend sixteen minutes of pure joy watching this, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao .

Karen and Edwin had a baby two months ago.  Ellie is maybe the most beautiful baby girl ever, but she doesn’t sleep.  Karen’s Mom says it’s colic, the pediatrician says he doesn’t know.  Karen is exhausted, overwhelmed, and thirty pounds over weight, and says most of the time she smells like poop.   Karen and Edwin have made love exactly once since Ellie was born.  It lasted six minutes and Karen fell asleep before the show was really even over.  Karen confided in me she didn’t know which made her feel less sexy, the baby spit up, the poop smell, or the acne that had plagued her since her sixth month of pregnancy.

Edwin’s long time Executive Assistant, Anne, also just had a baby.  Her temporary replacement, who came on board two weeks ago, just became permanent, because Anne had decided to stay home with the baby for at least a year.  So, in an effort to be a supportive wife, Karen decided to stop by his office and drop off flowers for the new assistant, Madaline, as a “welcome to the team” gesture.  After pulling on her cleanest pair of sweat pants, putting her hair in a pony tail, and putting on some Chap Stick, Karen spent more then half an hour getting Ellie ready to go to Daddy’s office.  With a lacy little dress, matching pink tights, and bows in her hair, Ellie was a picture of perfection.  Karen on the other hand looked like she was just discharged from a hospital.

Upon arriving at Edwin’s office Karen took one look at Madaline, the new assistant, and almost broke into tears on the spot.  Madaline was one sexy woman.  Dressed in an albeit profession, but form fitting hot red dress, with jet black hair, and legs that went on for miles, Madaline looked like a 1950’s pin-up girl.  Making matters worse, she was really, genuinely nice, and apparently very, very good at her new job.  According to Karen, Madaline also smelled like Hawaii.  I’m not sure exactly what she meant by that, but the word exotic comes to mind.  Madaline made over Ellie for several minutes, took cell phone pictures of the flowers to send to her mom, and oozed to Edwin about how beautiful her his wife was.  Karen wanted to sink into the floor.

When Karen called me she was deflated to say the least.  She felt like she’d lost all of her femininity and had become nothing but a sleep walking baby wrangler.  She’d been feeling that way since before Ellie was born, but it seemed to get worse as the days passed into weeks without sleep or the company of adults.  Now, realizing that Edwin was spending eight or nine hours a day in the company of a pin- up girl, Karen was terrified.  She certainly didn’t think Edwin would cheat on her, but…

“This is where good marriages fall apart.” she cried on the phone.  “I am a mess.”  Truth of the matter is that was the truth.

After listening to her describe this deteriorating situation for almost an hour, Karen agreed that she needed an intervention.  When I asked her who she thought of when she thought of a really, super, hot woman, she thought for a while and then came up with Sophia Loren.

“Sweet.”  I answered.  “Start channeling her.  Sex appeal is innate in all of us, but if you want to access your inner Diva, fake it till you make it.  Would Sophia Loren go out looking like you did today???”

Now before anyone emails me about how the cloths don’t make the woman, let me say I know.  However, cloths, make-up, and exotic smelling perfume and all incredibly powerful props that help a woman access their Inner Diva.  Whatever it takes to slip into that vibe is worth the effort.  It’s not about the costume, it’s about the feeling the costume creates, and that feeling is pure magic.  And honestly, when you can’t get to the feeling, sometimes you simply have to fake it.  Imagination is our most creative force and there is nothing wrong with imagining you are a bombshell!  What would Sophia do???

I got an email from Karen today saying her best friend had bravely offered to watch Ellie for a whole day.  She planned to get her hair cut and colored, and do some shopping for cloths that played up her unusually large post-baby breasts.  She was inspired by a new perfume she’d just found that smelled like an “Asian spice market and orchids”.  After that she planned to pick up Edwin from work, drop off some cookies for Madaline and head out for a romantic dinner.

I’ve got my fingers crossed for luck on her behalf.  However, I don’t think she’ll need it.  Sounds to me like a Diva is in the house!

For many people the new year brings an opportunity to reflect on their lives and think about things they want to change or improve in the new year.  For me that day of introspection in more like a couple of weeks.  Today is my birthday.  So, I reflect from the first to the nineteenth.  It’s a lot of reflection.  This year, I have several intentions.  2010 is the year that Lisa became a woman who exercises everyday.  2010 is the year I committed to a practice of disciplined meditation and ceremony.  2010 is the year I quit wearing my yoga cloths everywhere everyday – but started practicing yoga the way I know my body wants me to practice.

All of that said, my theme for this year is to live in integrity regarding beliefs.  For me that means this is the year I personally denounce fear.  I reject fear.  In more ways then I care to admit fear still occasionally creeped up.  Sometimes it did more then creep up, sometimes it ruled the show.  There is a lot of fear in the consciousness of humanity right now.  The prevailing vibration is down right scary at times, and trust me, it’s contagious.   I was talking to a friend today about some sticky financial stuff and when she left I felt that fear creep up in me.  Watch the news, read the paper, or drive down the street and fear messages are everywhere.  The minute my friend left today, I started counting my blessing to avoid slipping off into the dark black abyss.  I find myself doing that more and more lately.

The reason this is a matter of integrity to me is simple.  If I believe in a benevolent divine force that always conspires on my behalf, then, I have nothing to be afraid of – ever.  The commitment to denounce fear is serious for me.  It means no more uneasiness, no more excuses, no more insanity.  It also means that I am committing to a life of growth, magic, and possibilities.  I want that life.  I chose that life, which is what it comes down to – a choice – plain and simple.  Today I am making that choice for my life, but truth of the matter it’s probably a choice I will have to make over and over again, day by day, moment by moment.

So – it’s my birthday.  It’s a new year.  It’s a new decade.  It’s a branding slogan – NO FEAR.  Not for me, not this year.  2010 is the year Lisa chose magic.  You can too.