When a man says he needs space in a relationship, more then likely the real news is even worse then that. When a man says he needs space, at best he is beginning to have second thoughts about the relationship, worst case, he is already thinking about a break up. Now this obviously doesn’t apply in every case. How do you know if it’s a real situation or impending doom? If he says something specific like, “My boss has me working on this crazy project. I am really stressed about the deadlines right now. For the next three weeks or so I am going to need to focus on my job more then anything else. I might not be available as much.” That means, just that. There’s a deadline, he’s stressed and busy and he doesn’t want you to freak out. If he says something like, “I am feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I really like you, but I need some space for awhile.” That means, he’s either just not that into you, or he’s thinking he might be into someone else.

So, what do you do if you get the “I just need space” talk? I’ll tell you what not to do.

1. Do not ask why.
2. Do not get upset, (in front of him anyway).
3. Do not argue, plead, or get accusatory.

If you like this guy, and want to preserve any hope of showing him you’re the best thing going for him right now below are four things TO DO.

1. Say something like, “You know, you’re right. I’ve been thinking we were getting a little too serious too fast also.
2. End the conversation as quickly and politely as possible.
3. Do not call, text, IM, email or send smoke signals.
4. IF he calls, and IF he wants to see you, say something like, “I’ve already got plans Friday. I’d love to see you. How about next Saturday afternoon.”

I know. I can hear it already. You might think it’s game playing, and maybe it is. That said, the rule of thumb is this. If a man asks for space, give him way more space then he’s asking for.

What to do during the waiting game??? Do not waste your energy pining over this man. Seriously. It’s a bad energetic investment and a waste of calories. Focus on your fabulous life. If it’s not feeling all the fabulous right now, focus on getting to fabulous at warp speed. Ideally, when he calls, you will have plans on Friday, Saturday, and even Sunday. The way you spend your energy is an investment, so spend it wisely – on you, and only you.

Lately I’ve been getting a lot of questions about “how to get over him”.  Breaking up is hard to do.  It doesn’t matter who does the breaking up, at the end of the day, and the end of the relationship there is usually a lot of hurting.  Getting over him can seem like a full time job, that goes on and one.  People have a lot of well intended interesting techniques for getting over someone.  There is cutting energetic cords, EFT, journal writing about all the sorrow, voodoo (always one of my personal favorites), and countless other methods for forgetting.  All of those things may work sometimes, for some things, but when no magic method is taking the sting off, what’s a girl to do???

First of all, my advice is stop trying to avoid the hurt.  Serious sorrow can’t be avoided.  It’s can’t be measured out in small convenient doses.  All the avoiding the pain really only makes it last longer.  Facing feelings that are real – and really getting into them is the shortest path to peace.  I know it’s uncomfortable.  It’s never a good time.  However, if you’re in it, it absolutely is the right time to feel everything your feeling, deeply and intensely.  That which you resist persists.  So, stop resisting.  Not to mention, there is great, profound beauty in sadness.  Lives change and miracles emerge.

Secondly, stop trying to do anything to get over him. If you are trying to cut the energetic cords with him, your focus is on him.  If you are doing EFT about your feelings for him, your focus is on him.  If you are putting a Voodoo curse on his new girlfriend, your focus is on, you guessed it, him, and her…  The key to getting over him is not thinking about him.  Your energy is better spent learning to knit.  Seriously.  Your energy is better spent on yoga, or hiking, or contemplating your beautiful complexion.  Bottom line, you won’t turn the corner until your focus is squarely where it should have been all along, on you.

I know it sounds hard core, but it’s a hard lesson to learn.  Heart break changes things forever, usually for the better.  You get to decide how to manage it.  You get to decide how to face the demons.  You get to decide if you want to look for the beauty or hide in the shadows.  At the end of the day, or the end of a relationship though, all you have is you.  You are the only thing that is any of your business.  Get back to the business of you.

I was eating lunch the other day right across from a couple who despite my best efforts to ignore them, had my attention. They also had the attention of everyone seated within a twenty foot radius of them. She was quite irritated with him and the volume of her voice was getting higher and higher. She didn’t seem to be irritated about any one thing. She seemed to be irritated about just about everything. Her irritation was oozing out in the form of one criticism after another. She didn’t like the way he had folded laundry. Why couldn’t he just fold the damn cloths more carefully? She didn’t like the way he’d dealt with a discipline issue with their kids. She didn’t like the way he hadn’t cleaned their car. She didn’t really care for the way he’d spoken to her mother. The longer they talked, the most frustrated she got that he wasn’t listening – and he wasn’t. Everyone else in the restaurant was focused on her every complaint. Her husband on the other hand had long since tuned her out. I suspect he rarely heard a word she said. All I could think about was what a bitch she was being. All he was thinking about was what he was going to order for desert.

The thing about criticizing is simple. People don’t like to hear it, so most of the time they don’t. Several years ago I worked with a client who made his living teaching other people how to criticize. His basic rule for the game is that you have to build “criticism capital”. Meaning, in order for people to really hear anything you say you have to train them to listen. The easiest way to train someone to listen to you is by perpetually saying really nice things about them. People like to be complimented, and if you do that regularly enough, people will hang on your every word. Then and only then, can you offer “constructive criticism” and be heard. He recommended an equation of a minimum of twelve compliments to one criticism. The deal is, you can’t just lay on twelve compliments in a row and then drop the bomb. You have to build up “criticism” credit, over time, throughout the day. It’s called “the right to criticize”.

I like this theory. I think it’s absolutely true, and I try to work it as much as possible. However, the reason I like it so much isn’t just because it works. People are more receptive. The reason I really like it is because when I’m so busy looking for twelve things I really like about someone to compliment them on, I am usually no longer focused on what I thought I might want to criticize them for. Law of Attraction gives me more of what I have my attention on, things I like. It’s a little bit like – wow – look over here – shiny!!! I am very easily distracted by things the please me. When I focused on that I am always pleasantly surprised by how many of those things people tend to offer up.

So, I’m curious to get your comments. Try out the twelve to one rule. See how it works for you. Maybe you will still find reasons to share some constructive criticism, and no doubt those little nuggets will be better received. In the end though, I’m predicting you create a lot of shiny happy interactions and reactions with the very happy people in your life.