When I was being abused, I would bet a hundred bucks all of my friends were suspicious on some level.  A couple of the bravest of them ever so gently broached the subject with me.  I flat out denied it.  My son hinted at it to a neighbor and I am not proud to admit, I grounded him for it.  Abuse creates a shroud of shame that locks one in secrecy.   I look back on my behavior and I am baffled by it.  However, what I know for sure, is that pattern of denial and dishonesty wasn’t unique to me.  Most women who are being abused will do anything they can to cover it up or avoid detection.

So, if you are close to a woman you suspect is being abused, you are right to be hesitant to address it or step in to intervene.  Chances of sitting her down for a come to Jesus talk and then whisking her off to safety are slim at best.  So what are you to do?

1.  Familiarize yourself with the services available in your area.  Prepare yourself for that worst case call in the night.  Is there a DV shelter in your area?  Is there a support group?  A woman is most at risk of dieing at the hands of her partner when she makes a physical attempt to leave.  Having a friend who has knows the resources might really be life and death.

2.  Be prepared to help out in unexpected ways.  For example, be willing to watch over her pets or be willing to help out with shuttling the kids around.  Women will create all sorts of barriers to leaving.  Pets and transportation are on the top of the list.  Try and evaluate her individual situation and very subtly address those issues with her in advance.  You might say something in passing conversation like, “You know, if you ever need anyone to watch Spot for a few days, we’d love to do that.  I just love that dog.”

3.  In a way that is absolutely free of gossip, you might consider getting a reality check with one or two other people in your friends life.  You might be wrong about your observations.  You might be biased or blowing it out of proportion.  However, if you are seeing things that make you suspect your friend is being abused, chances are high someone else is seeing it to.  Domestic violence is such a taboo subject it’s hard to bring it up.  However, the more people who are aware, the more ready a support network can be if she ever decides to leave.  Find someone you trust, compare notes, and share ideas for future resources, come up with a group plan, just in case.

4. Brave the conversation with your friend and be prepared to have it become a confrontation.  She is not likely to take it well.  However, by opening that door with her, you may just give her someone to turn to in the future.  You might say something like, “I am seeing somethings in your home life that concern me.  It’s not my business, but I can’t help but be concerned because I love you so much.  I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but honestly I’m worried John might become violent or worse yet, already is.  So, I’m not going to butt in.  But, I want you to know, no matter what or when, I’m here if you need me.”

5. For God sake if you witness abuse call 911.  Do not step in to a domestic situation on your own for any reason at all.  It’s highly volatile and dangerous.  However, if you ever seen anything that looks like physical abuse, or hear it on the other side of the wall, do not hesitate to pick up the phone.  Now, I’ll be honest, it may not end the way you hope.  But if the only then that happens is a record is created regarding a domestic situation, that’s just fine.  Just be willing to put yourself out there if the opportunity presents itself.

Plain and simple, the answer is no.   He was in no mood to get married until he was going to be unable to pay rent.  I think you might say something to him like this, “We have taken our relationship at a very conservative pace.  I think it’s clear it’s a priority for both of us that we do not rush and that we are both in really stable places in our own lives before we take the next step together.   I don’t know what the next step is, getting married or engaged, or just moving in together.  However, I do know when we take that step, you will feel better if you have your ducks in a row before we do anything.  The timing just isn’t right.”

Might seem harsh, but seriously, do not let an unemployed man move in with you.  I have the right to lend an opinion.  Anyone who knows me or has read my book knows that I have made this fatal mistake more then once.  A good man needs to be a good provider.  When they can’t do that they become a lesser version of themselves.  I am going to assume that your boyfriend is a good man.  You do not want to take the next step with a lesser vision of this man you love.

Women are caretakers.  At some level we get off on being needed.  However, women are also the deciders when it comes to what level of relationships we will accept.  Your intuition is telling you something painfully obvious.  His situation is unstable.  Listen to your gut.  If you really want to help this man, if you really love him, and if you really want what is best for him, point him in the direction of his next fabulous job, wait a few weeks after his first pay check and then revisit moving in or getting married.  I don’t know what the end result of that will be.  I do know your chances of marrying this man if you let him move in now are very slim.  The secondary, most important side benefit of taking a stand on this issue is both of you will respect you more.  It will be obvious that you are more concerned with a healthy relationship then you are desperate for marriage.

In my experience, it’s true.  Case in point, my parents.  Anyone who has been around my parents will readily admit it can be sickening.  She sits on his lap.  They are well known for PDA.  They are always touching.  As a teenager, this was horrifying to me.  As an adult, it’s still a little icky, but it’s also endearing.  The thing about about parents that makes this quite notable, is you are just as likely to see them necking in public as any high school freshman couple, and they are in their 80’s.  They have been married 62 years.  There is a physical tenderness between them that is unmistakable to anyone in their vicinity.  You can’t help but pick up on the chemistry that binds them.

So, if you are walking around the mall with your man and realize you haven’t held his hand in public for a decade, are you completely doomed?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  The good news is that chemistry can be faked, and the better news is, I believe you can fake it ’till you make it.  This isn’t about trying to heat things up with a trip to Victoria Secret.  This is about generating energy in your relationship by touching on purpose.  Start reaching for his hand.  Start resting your head on his shoulder when your watching TV.  Touch his arm as he passes by, or better yet, his butt.  For goodness sake, make sure you kiss him often.  Imagine that couple you know, who are like my parents, everyone knows one - and behave as much as possible like them.  Now, it might feel awkward at first, but every time you touch, you are generating energy between you, and eventually that energy might just turn into chemistry.

My husband and I don’t touch as often as we used to.  One of us is always packing a baby or pushing a stroller.   I used to think it was the exhaustion that comes a long with baby that has cooled the heat.  However, I realize now it might be the stroller.  I am painfully aware how much I miss his touch, but I wasn’t aware how far reaching the consequences might be.  I am much more conscious lately about making the effort to turn up the touch.  I can’t tell you whether or not that is turning up the flame quite yet, but I do know for sure, it’s comforting and familiar.  On a chemical level, it re-enforces my bond with him and I know it generates energy between us.

So, give it a try.  Let me know.  I’m curious.  If simple, innocent, honest touch is the aphrodisiac we’ve all been looking for, then we’re all getting lucky!

Now, in my case revelations of cheating always revealed themselves during some form of email investigative activity.  Whether I was intending to scourer his email for damning clues validating my suspicions or whether I randomly stumbled on some email evidence accidentally, email was always my nemesis.  However, the dreaded cell phone records revelation is also not uncommon.  Both instances, like most, that lead a woman to be suspicious, give you just enough information to need medication, but not enough to condemn the bastard publicly.  It’s genuinely crazy making.

I get a lot of emails from women who have for some reason begun to think or feel as if her man were cheating.  Statistics overwhelmingly support a suspicious woman.  Some studies show that as high as 80% of women who had that sinking feeling where right on in some capacity.  Women’s intuition seems to hit the mark with great reliability.  However, most of us just aren’t that confident in our psychic divining skills quite yet.  We aren’t ready to change the locks on the doors at the first painful slaps of suspicion.  So, what’s a girl to do?

1. Calm down.  This is truly a situation where calmer heads always prevail.  Make a pact with yourself right away that you will not say anything or do anything in a state of upset.  That includes confronting or accusing your mate of doing anything.  It may seem impossible to get calm and stay there when facing your worst nightmare, but your future depends on your willingness and ability to do just that.
2. Stay clear headed.  This may seem obvious.  However, I think it’s worth noting.  Just because you think your husband is banging his secretary, that doesn’t give you license to hit the bottle to drown your sorrows and fears.  Not for any length of time.  Not for a week or even a night.  Escaping through drugs and drinking may feel good in the short term.  However, it’s a recipe for disaster.   You need your whole brain on high gear in it’s sharpest state working with you right now.  Using any substance to dull or escape will leave you overly vulnerable at a time when reason and rational is your best friend.
3. Get support.  Call a friend or a close family member and get some support early on.  This does not mean to call your sister who has always hated your husband or your drama queen former roommate from college.  This means, call the one person in your life you always call when the shit hits the fan, that one person who calms and comforts you, not gets the one who gets you spinning even faster.
4. Get counseling.  If you think your mate is cheating, whether he is or not, something has gone terribly wrong in your relationship.  Secrets, suspicion, uncertainty, boredom, anger, and angst are not things that grow and thrive in a healthy relationship.  Whether you are right or wrong, and whether you intend to stay in or get out, your relationship is ailing from something.  It’s time for some professional intervention. 
5. Confront him, softly.  I do not suggest being confrontational with your allegations.  If you intend to get to the other side of this conversation personally in tact, you have to be tactful yourself.  Any hint of hysterics will be met with a man who shuts down and prepares to lie.  Approach him by saying something like, “There are something’s that seem to be bothering me about our relationship lately.  Honestly, I have felt a little distant from you and am beginning to feel insecure.  I ran across something that made me feel really upset…”

“Tina, thanks for sending me those pics last night.  They were even sexier then the ones you sent before.  I’m sure I’ll be thinking about you and those pictures tonight as I drift off to sleep with a smile on my face..  I’ll call you tomorrow after work, on my drive home.”

Stunned, sickened and panicked, Donna confronted Todd over the phone while he was at work.  He was home in fifteen minutes and in a marathon fight that last until midnight Todd denied having an affair.  He said he’d met Tina online in a chat forum and had never even met her in person.  He wasn’t even sure Tina was her real name.  Todd explained the stress associated with the upcoming wedding was killing him and he was just mindlessly browsing the web when he stumbled into this chat with his new online “friend”.  At first they talked about day to day stuff, even the wedding plans.  But after a couple of weeks it turned flirtatious, and after a couple more, sexual.   He urged Donna to read the emails so she would believe him.  As painful as it was to read the sexually charged correspondence, Donna read far enough to believe they’d never met.  However, although they decided not to call off the wedding, Donna moved into the spare room.   Too humiliated to face it she told no one.  Fifteen days later she walked down the isle, in white, all smiles.    Fast forward nine months to today.  Todd and Donna are in couples counseling.  The outlook is shaky at best.  

This leads us to the question that is facing more of today’s couples then can possibly be estimated.  Is an internet fling or flirting cheating??  My answer is simple, that answer is totally up to you.  If you find out your mate has been heating up the internet with another woman and it bothers you, which I’m fairly sure it will, then yes, without a doubt, that’s cheating.  The idea of “finding out” itself, indicates that there was hiding of the truth involved in the first place.  If your man knew you wouldn’t dig it, so he hid it in the first place, then even he knew it was cheating – no matter what he says about how innocent it was.   If you are one of the very small minority of women out there that would not be bothered by this behavior, who would shrug if off as “boys with a keyboard will be boys”, then you wouldn’t be asking this question in the first place. 

Cheating used to be very black and white.  However these days a lot of men would like to thing the internet has created a million shades of grey.  I beg to differ.  I think cheating is still black and white.  I think it’s fairly easy to define as a behavior that creates feelings of emotional or sexual betrayal.  I think men know when they are cheating, almost always confirmed by their hiding the behavior in question.  Now, I know, women do bad things too.  However, statistically men are much more likely to engage in “internet affairs”.  Not to mention many real world physical affairs start online and men who engage in questionable online behavior are vastly more likely to have a “real” affair. 

So, in the end, only you know the answer.  Is it cheating?  Ask yourself one thing, “does it feel OK to me?”  If the answer to that question is no, then your answer is, yes, he is cheating.  Don’t cut him any slack on interpretation of the rules.  Trust me, in his heart of hearts, he knows it’s cheating too.

I met my fiancé on a dating site.  Since that time, lots of my single friends think I’m the online dating expert.  What surprises me about that is that most of these women were around for the years prior to meeting my Mr. Perfect when I met a pathological liar on Eharmony, a man I’m pretty sure was a serial killer on Match, and at least a half dozen married men. 

Now looking back on my experience and watching those experiences of my friends in the online dating world, what I observe most often is a silent desperation in women that makes the whole process incredibly heavy and serious.   We are looking for Mr. Right and have a great deal of hope that every next guy is him.  If we go out on three or four dates we giggle to our friends about our new boyfriend and secretly start practicing our signature with his last name, (you know you’ve done it).   No matter how many times we get burned, hope in the online dating world springs eternal and sometimes leads to delusion.

So, here it is, my online dating strategy that finally scored me my Mr. Perfect.  I have shared this with many women that look at me crossed eyed.  But I’m here to tell you this one works if you are strong enough to stick to the program.  I call it “30 free meals”.

That’s right.  When you sign up for, let’s say Match.com, the cost of that membership is about $25.00 a month.  You want to recoup that investment and maybe even capitalize on it by getting your moneys worth, not in fine men, but fine food.  After two dinners out, that someone else paid for, you have more then made your money back.

Now, I can hear it all now, from both the men and women, about how wrong, stupid, bitchy, greedy, or sexist that is.  However, I’m going to stick to the principal of my plan. 

The rules are simple. 

#1.  When you go out on a date, first through fourth, he pays. Period.  When I was doing the online dating thing, I was big about paying, always on the first date and often even after that.  I wanted to prove my independence.  Show a man how capable I was.  What I was, was attractive to the unemployed.  I realize now that a gentleman likes to pay.  He likes to treat a lady, show off a little.  A gentleman does not expect to get laid for the price of dinner.  Now, as a relationship progresses obviously, you will pick up the tab sometimes, but in the beginning don’t even look at the bill when it hits the table.  Stare into his eyes and smile graciously. 

#2.  Don’t even think about getting even remotely anxious about why you haven’t found Mr. Right until you’ve had your 30 free meals because finding your soul mate is not the name of the game here – free food is.  You do not talk to your friends or family about these men.  You certainly do not enter into any relationship, real or imaginary where you refer to any of them as boyfriend.  If you are getting free food, you are successful at the online dating game.  If you think at free meal 18 you have found someone worthy of calling  your sister about, try with all your might to refrain.  You have 12 more meals to go.  By holding tight to this strategy it prevents women from taking themselves or the process too seriously. 

Now I say all of this only slightly tongue and cheek.  I am more serious then not.  Mr. Right might be on page 14 of your matches.  However, Mr. Right is going to run like hell the minute he picks up the scent of your desperation.  The only way online dating works is if it’s fun and ever so light.

So, lighten up.  You are two meals away from making money on your investment.  With this economy, that’s a good bet!