How to Help a Friend That Might Be a Victim of Domestic Abuse

Years and years ago I lived in the downstairs apartment of a row house. Our upstairs neighbors were the only people I knew in the neighborhood. Although I wouldn’t say we were best friends, I did interact with them quite a bit socially. I really liked both of them. He was this good old boy from the area whose mother kept all of us in lasagna and tuna noodle casserole. She was this vibrant, passionate, singer in a rock band, who was unbelievably beautiful, even when she had black eyes. I would hear them fighting at night. I knew he was hitting her. I never brought it up and neither did she. This continued right up to the night where in a drunken rage he threw her down the stairs. I could hear her on the other side of the wall at the bottom of the stairs crying and moaning. It took me at least 1/2 an hour to get the nerve to call 911. Finally an ambulance and a cop car arrived, loaded her up, and I never saw either of them again. In my fantasy, after recovering from a mild concussion, she mustered up her courage and left the bastard once and for all. In my nightmares, she suffered a much more serious fate and never left the hospital. I will always wonder and I will forever feel guilty for not trying to help her.

When I was being abused, I would bet a hundred bucks all of my friends were suspicious on some level. A couple of the bravest of them ever so gently broached the subject with me. I flat out denied it. My son hinted at it to a neighbor and I am not proud to admit, I grounded him for it. Abuse creates a shroud of shame that locks one in secrecy. I look back on my behavior and I am baffled by it. However, what I know for sure, is that pattern of denial and dishonesty wasn’t unique to me. Most women who are being abused will do anything they can to cover it up or avoid detection.

So, if you are close to a woman you suspect is being abused, you are right to be hesitant to address it or step in to intervene. Chances of sitting her down for a come to Jesus talk and then whisking her off to safety are slim at best. So what are you to do?

1. Familiarize yourself with the services available in your area. Prepare yourself for that worst case call in the night. Is there a DV shelter in your area? Is there a support group? A woman is most at risk of dieing at the hands of her partner when she makes a physical attempt to leave. Having a friend who has knows the resources might really be life and death.

2. Be prepared to help out in unexpected ways. For example, be willing to watch over her pets or be willing to help out with shuttling the kids around. Women will create all sorts of barriers to leaving. Pets and transportation are on the top of the list. Try and evaluate her individual situation and very subtly address those issues with her in advance. You might say something in passing conversation like, “You know, if you ever need anyone to watch Spot for a few days, we’d love to do that. I just love that dog.”

3. In a way that is absolutely free of gossip, you might consider getting a reality check with one or two other people in your friends life. You might be wrong about your observations. You might be biased or blowing it out of proportion. However, if you are seeing things that make you suspect your friend is being abused, chances are high someone else is seeing it to. Domestic violence is such a taboo subject it’s hard to bring it up. However, the more people who are aware, the more ready a support network can be if she ever decides to leave. Find someone you trust, compare notes, and share ideas for future resources, come up with a group plan, just in case.

4. Brave the conversation with your friend and be prepared to have it become a confrontation. She is not likely to take it well. However, by opening that door with her, you may just give her someone to turn to in the future. You might say something like, “I am seeing somethings in your home life that concern me. It’s not my business, but I can’t help but be concerned because I love you so much. I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but honestly I’m worried John might become violent or worse yet, already is. So, I’m not going to butt in. But, I want you to know, no matter what or when, I’m here if you need me.”

5. For God sake if you witness abuse call 911. Do not step in to a domestic situation on your own for any reason at all. It’s highly volatile and dangerous. However, if you ever seen anything that looks like physical abuse, or hear it on the other side of the wall, do not hesitate to pick up the phone. Now, I’ll be honest, it may not end the way you hope. But if the only then that happens is a record is created regarding a domestic situation, that’s just fine. Just be willing to put yourself out there if the opportunity presents itself.

Lisa Hayes is an entrepreneur, life coach, mother, and friend. In her writing, speaking engagements, and classes she teaches, her primary goal is working with women to help them achieve peace, and even bliss, in the chaos of their everyday lives. Lisa began the pursuit of the healing arts more then a decade ago when she completed her degree in natural health and nutrition. She continued that path as a yoga and meditation instructor before becoming a life coach. Lisa is also a Certified/Registered Hypnotherapist. She utilizes the insight she received from her training in every project she undertakes.

Lisa is also a partner in an independent technology firm, and is considered one of the front runners in using new media as a platform for coaching and teaching. She is the mother of two sons, Caleb and baby Kingston.

“This book poured out of me. I meant to write just a few pages and by the time I quit writing this work had emerged. My deepest thanks go out to all the women who have read this book and shared this book with their loved ones. Great change will happen one woman at a time.”